If I Had A Hammer

If I Had A Hammer
©2002 Suzy Wurtz

The task was simple: hang a picture on the wall.

As I searched for tools, I thought of Pete Seeger’s 1960’s era folk song, “If I Had A Hammer,” made famous by Peter, Paul and Mary. I mumbled melodically to myself, “ …..I’d hammer out danger; I’d hammer out warning; I’d hammer out the love between my brothers and my sisters, all over this land.”

But it wasn’t true. If I had a hammer, I wouldn’t do any of those things. I didn’t want a hammer of justice. I wanted a hammer that would pound one darn nail into a wall. But I couldn’t find a hammer. Not a hammer of justice, not a ball peen hammer, not a claw hammer, not even a plastic Barbie doll hammer.

Another thing I can’t find when I need them is scissors. Oh sure, we own regular scissors, sewing scissors, manicure scissors, plastic children’s scissors, food scissors, decorative cut scissors. We have scores of scissors. But when I need a pair of scissors, the only implements I can locate are wire cutters and pruning shears. Running with scissors is not a safety issue at our house because we can’t FIND any.

And where does the cellophane tape go? My husband and daughter roll their eyes on holidays when I present them with cellophane tape in Christmas stockings, Easter baskets and birthday packages. In the last 12 months, I’ve purchased two dozen rolls of tape. I still can’t find any when I need to wrap a gift.

Don’t get me started on fingernail clippers. Even if I buy them in bulk, I can’t find one when I have a hangnail. If there was a fingernail-clipper-of- the-month club, I would join.

When the phone rings and I need to take a message, there is not a pen in sight. Pencils I can find. However, they are unused, never-sharpened pencils. I recently found a number of pens under the couch cushions. Do they roll there in the middle of the night seeking warmth and shelter? In my penholder on my desk at home, there are no pens. Yet, you can find a paintbrush, two highlighters, sewing chalk, an eyebrow pencil, a letter opener, a new, unsharpened pencil and (drum roll) fingernail clippers! A few months ago, I had two pair of scissors in there too, but they vanished.

There are some possible explanations for these disappearances:

Aliens. Rather than abduct me personally (they must have seen my busy schedule), aliens have chosen to run their earthling tests on well-used objects from my home. While I sleep, aliens are spiriting hammers, pens and nail clippers to their space ships.
Elves. I used to be a Girl Scout and we learned the story about the “brownies,” little elves that did all the tasks at night for a poor, hardworking artisan. I don’t remember that they hauled off scissors in the story. But as long as they’re hauling mine, I do wish they’d cut a few things before they leave.
Spontaneous evaporation. This is a little-known theorem in physics that concerns many disappeared household items. It also affects time, money, and volunteers.
Intelligence agencies. I’ve been reading too many novels about the CIA and FBI perhaps, but they seem quite likely candidates to invisibly lift items. Why me? It’s classified. You’d be in danger if I told you.
Old movie plot. In the 1944 movie, “Gaslight,” the suave but murderous scoundrel Charles Boyer marries Ingrid Bergman because he is obsessed with finding jewels hidden in her home. He tries to drive her crazy by convincing her she’s misplacing things. “Paula, you are becoming forgetful!” “Paula, I just gave you my mother’s brooch; how could you lose it?” “Paula, what have you done with the grocery list?” Now that I think of it, my husband is starting to sound a little like Charles Boyer. I, unfortunately, have not started to look like Ingrid Bergman.

Whatever the reasons, I’m still searching.

If I had a hammer,

If I had a pair of scissors,

If I had a roll of tape,

If I had a fingernail clipper,

If I had a pen.

When folk singing has its resurgence, I’m going to take up where Pete Seeger left off.

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