A Dose of Reality
Copyright 2004 by Suzy Wurtz
What would you think if you received an email inviting you
to audition to host a TV reality show? Would you believe it?
My web site (www.suzywurtz.com)
features past columns, among other things. I have received odd emails from
Internet readers. For example, last year, I received an inquiry from someone
who wanted me to settle an argument about the mating habits of ladybugs. I had
written a column about the autumn Chinese lady beetle plague in Minnesota. The
writer had done an Internet search, got to my web site, and fired off the
question without noticing that my credentials favor etymology over entomology. I
emailed the questioner back, who said she got a good laugh from her mistake.
So I didn’t get too excited when an email began, “Hello…I’m
looking for a relationship expert to host a new unscripted television series
that my company, Optomen, is producing for Lifetime Television. I know that
you’re not a relationship expert, proper, but I enjoy reading your articles on
the Internet and I think your sensibility might be perfect for the show.”
I didn’t call the number at the bottom of the message.
However, I forwarded the message to my husband at work for a laugh.
Later in the afternoon, my husband called back and excitedly
reported, “They’re legitimate! Go their web site! Call them back!”
Not only legit, the British based Optomen Television Ltd. had
produced things I’d actually heard of, like the cooking shows, The Naked Chef
and Two Fat Ladies. And now they were emailing me! I walked around the
house, looking at myself in mirrors, grinning that my “sensibilities” were so
great.
The proposed project is a reality show called “Is This The
Man I Married?” The show would feature “an exasperated wife whose once-romantic
soul mate has turned into an inattentive bore.” Like the Fab Five in the
reality show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the “relationship expert”
would put the husband through boot camp and revive the qualities he had during
courtship.
It dawned on me that even on the worst TV reality shows, it
was not the host who had to eat bugs or date inappropriate candidates. I was up
for “control” role. There was nothing to lose by calling. When I reached the
number in New York, the very pleasant Brooke Parker told me more about the show
and invited me to send a video demo tape to audition. She played to my ego,
noting that the personality of Suzy Wurtz would be the reason viewers would tune
in every week. She seemed to be looking for a hybrid of Oprah, Dr. Ruth, and
Erma Bombeck.
Though I pride myself in my own successful marriage, I
certainly didn’t see myself qualified to give advice to anyone else.
“How did you find me?” I asked suspiciously.
Brooke explained that they wanted an “unknown,” so they
searched for many different people, including female columnists who had a sense
of humor and wrote about relationships.
I was flattered that she chose me as a candidate, but
recalled my first career a few lifetimes ago in show business. The cynical
expression “Don’t quit your day job,” echoed in my head. If Ms. Parker found
Suzy Wurtz in rural Minnesota, she would have also found a hundred other
columnists throughout the country who do the same thing.
But I love a good adventure, so I agreed to audition. I spent
the weekend with my best friends in Minneapolis, a happily married couple of 20
years, who pretended on camera that they needed my help. They also filmed me
speaking about my philosophies, my background, and then they edited the final
product.
In previous centuries, best friends would take care that your
household cooking fire didn’t go out when you were sick. In the 21st
century, best friends edit your digital tape audition for a TV reality show.
It’s the same quality of friendship, just a different century.
There are probably many genuine relationship experts who also
made their weekend audition tapes last month. Since this is show business, it
all depends on who “appears” most interesting. A good comedian might beat out a
good psychologist.
Or a good columnist.
If “Is This The Man I Maried?”makes it past the pilot stage
and becomes a series, you can say you heard it here first.
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